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Monday, April 28, 2003

This was taken from an entitled "Runaway" written by Trina Dela Rama and was published in DLSU's literary portfolio, "Malate" several years back. I promised Agnes I'd post the entire thing, but it was too long. Here are the parts which I relate to the most. Comments and violent reactions are most welcome.

...marriage has never been one of my goals. Sure, it could be nice to maybe get into that someday, but it's not like I'm going to kill myself if I don't get hitched...I really just can't imagine myself with anyone, much less visualize the kind of love that never runs out of things to say. Try as I might, I cannot surmise how one can find a person that he or she would be able to live with from youth till old age , and be able to love intensely day in and day out, over and above blood relations...marriage to me, at the moment, is defintely something I don't need to be happy. It's a nice dream, but like any pleasant dream, it requires too much thought, decision, complexity, and perfect characters than I can find or handle right now.

...Behind the shadows, I find some unrealistic yet comforting solace in the supposed existence of one who will be able to read past the jargon, as others call my words, and know exactly what I am saying. Idealistic fool that I am, I reserve the heart for the one who will sacrifice even a part of himself to find it.

...It hurts to feel inadequate and unworthy of someone with all the right qualities, and I don't pretend not to cry at nights knowing that the permanence of loneliness in my life is a big possibility. But the philosophy that has kept my sanity in check is that there is no point in being miserable about something that is not tangible in my life just yet...I see nothing much that can be done when you don't even see what you want. If there's another thing I've learned, it's never to settle for anything less than what I need. The sad thing about life is that dreams are usually so cookie-cutter perfect, that people just settle for the closest things to them. They don't believe in the existence and sheer possibilities of their own desires. Like me, they're probably afraid to...But what does prepare a person for love and desire, pain and loss? Each of un runs from even the things we want, primarily because we are afraid to claim them as ours, of consequently being incapable of keeping them, and of realizing that we are inadequate for their needs and wants.

[in my head] ...totoo ba yan...?
[in my ears] Just Wave Hello by Charlotte Church

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